What ARE You Looking For… An Upgrade?

If you’re wondering if you can find better, you can. You can find someone prettier than who you’re with. You can find someone younger. You can find someone thinner. You can find someone with bigger boobs, a higher sex drive, AND a better personality. If that’s not your thing, you can find someone who likes comic books, who loves drunks, or who doesn’t mind paying the bills while you write songs. That person is out there. And someone better than her is out there. And, someone better than HER is out there. Keep looking. You’ll keep finding better & better during each search.

But, what is it that you ARE looking for? What do you want? I want someone who makes me stop looking. I want someone who listens to me describe how much I like each of those qualities & convinces me how much better I have it. Or, agrees with me & sets goals to achieve those things. I want someone who is content not looking for bigger & better. Someone who enjoys the fact that I say “yes” to every invite to go for a walk. Someone who knows when to put a hand on my back or when to step away so I can calm down on my own. I want someone who didn’t have a list of requirements that were a dime a dozen. And, I want someone who gets more satisfaction from our accomplishments together than my six-pack abs.

It’s not hard to continually upgrade. It’s not hard to be committed to no one. It’s not hard to bail when things get tough. It’s not hard to protect yourself, protect your heart, & protect yourself from failure. If it was, less people would do all of those things. If it was, you’d have done those things less often.

I want to find someone who knows when to turn certain songs up. I want to find someone who looks at me before laughing at awkward situations. I want to find someone who falls asleep next to me with complete satisfaction. I want to find someone who knows they can find better & chooses to make me better instead.

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The Gentleman’s Guide To Wedding Season

It’s that time of year again: Wedding Season! When a portion of your buds strap on the ol’ ball & chain and commit for eternity and making babies with their newly acquired companions.

It’s also the time of year that’s easy for you, the single 20-something or older, to drown yourself in fruit punch and wedding cake. You’re reminded constantly that you’re single and although you’re happy for your buddies, sometimes you’d rather just skip the reminder and forget about the reception all together. I want you to stop and realize one thing: Bridesmaids!

You know what I’m talking about. Bridesmaids get all dolled up for the occasion only to watch one of their best friends fulfill one of their lifelong dreams. So before you show up in your standard white shirt and tie, before you decide to show up 30 minutes late and leave immediately following your completion of the dreaded line, and before you pig out on meatballs and mini-sandwiches, consider this:

  • Approaching a single bridesmaid is as easy as it can get. Nothing softens up a girl and makes her more vulnerable than watching one of her best friends get married. She may be the bridesmaid, but in her mind she’s picturing herself wearing that white dress and is motivated beyond belief to find “the one”.

This is where you come in, you knight in shining armor you! Follow these simple tips and get ready to boom boom with the bridesmaids (figuratively of course)!

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Stacy: DTR Misfires

Occasionally we receive emails from readers asking for specific topics to be covered. Curious about what spawned this particular request, and with her permission to post, Stacy wrote the following:

Lately I’ve had some weird experiences with “determining the relationship” or “DTR” as it’s often called. DTR-ing is a normal part of dating. After a few dates, you wanna know where things are going so you talk about it and figure out if you both want the same thing. This is normal and to be expected. But my recent DTR’s have been anything but normal.

Case #1:
There’s a guy in my ward who’s kinda cute. I’ll call him Mike. He travels for work a lot, so I only see him once every two months or so. He’s a Flirt (yes, with a capital F). He’s cute and he knows it (kinda like the song but different). He’s also a pretty nice guy. So I invited him to hang out with my friends one night to watch a movie. To say he was “handsy” during the movie would be an understatement. It caught me off guard considering our only interaction up to that point had been occasional chit chat at church.

After that night, because of his work travel, I didn’t see him for a couple months. In that time, we texted from time to time, but not consistently. Our texts were a little flirty in nature, but the innocent and awkward flirting of two people who don’t know each other very well. Then suddenly, in the midst of a seemingly normal textversation, I got a strange text that caught me off guard. It read:

“What are your intentions with me?”

My stomach did a flip flop. He was DTR-ing with me! And not only was he doing it through text (lame), he was doing it without us ever having even been on a date! I didn’t know how to respond, so I just said something like, “I barely see you so I don’t know what my intentions are at this point.” To which he responded, “ok. Goodnight.”

Now I’m scared that every text I send is sending “a message.” And it’s too early to even know what that message is! I guess I could have just said, “You’re cute. Let’s go from there” or something like that, but I panicked.

Case #2
There’s this guy in my life who I will call Sterling. We have had a flirtatious relationship for years, but for reasons I don’t want to get into here, I have no interest in pursuing an actual relationship with him at this point and the feeling is mutual. We’ve started down that path before and decided it wouldn’t work for us. But because we have so much fun together and and enjoy each others company so much, we have become good friends. This close friendship has led to a few mini-DTRs along the way just to make sure we’re on the same page.

2012 has been completely drama free for us though, and we’ve settled into a comfortable drama-free friendship.Which is why it could me off guard when he recently decided to have a DTR with me out the blue. Apparently he’d been getting outside pressure from friends and family to make something happen with me. I wasn’t a part of these conversations and knew nothing about them. But instead of telling his friends and family why it wouldn’t work with us right now, he decided to tell me. Their plan backfired and instead of deciding to try to start something with me again, he instead decided to end something. Something that hadn’t even begun.

I can not emphasize enough how unnecessary this was. And when you’re not even dating a person or thinking of them that way at all, and they start trying to “let you down easy,” it’s kind of annoying. All I could do was agree with every statement he made. “You’re awesome, I just don’t have ‘those’ feelings.” “Yeah, me neither.” “There’s nothing wrong with you but should we try to force love?” “No. That’s not necessary at all. I couldn’t agree more.” The whole time staring straight ahead wondering why this was happening and if I really was getting dumped by a guy I wasn’t dating.

I have had many other DTRs in my lifetime but these two recent ones have both amused me and irked me. Have you ever had a mis-timed DTR?

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A Lesson In Traffic

Have you ever noticed how traffic relates to dating? There are all these people on the road, every one of them headed for a destination somewhere in their future. Everyone drives different vehicles at different speeds and take different paths to get where they are going. Often times paths intersect and can even create jams if too many people are using the same road at the same time. Some drivers take detours to avoid traffic, others adjust their commute to miss traffic, and most just deal with it.

To put this all into perspective and paint an accurate picture of how traffic can possibly be like dating, let’s identify some of the common profiles of those on the road:

THE ROADRUNNER

  • They drive insanely fast, we’re talking 20 mph over the speed limit and weaving in and out of lanes (even trying to use the carpool lane). They’re aggressive, focused, and determined. Think of the guys that always pounce on and smother the new girl in ward. Sometimes they get lucky and find an open lane to the promised land, but often times they get bogged down and start honking their horn. Beep, beep…

THE TORTOISE

  • They drive insanely slow no matter what lane they are in (usually the far left). These people can’t seem to get out of their own way much less the way of anyone else. Sometimes you wonder why they’re even on the road. Is their car broken? Is their foot broken? Perhaps they don’t exactly know their destination and are in no hurry to get anywhere? Please don’t rain… or much worse, snow… or they will drive approximately 15 mph and slam on their brakes all the time.

THE CRUISER

  • They typically drive slightly above the speed limit but don’t get too carried away. They know the destination and are on the right path, but at the same time they aren’t overly aggressive and smothering. Their life is on cruise control, but who knows how far the commute will be.

THE DISTRACTED

  • These people weave back and forth in their own lane because they can’t seem to text or put makeup on while they drive. They may not even realize they are in a 2 ton can of metal traveling 70mph with lots of other 2 ton cans of metal around them. Their mind is obviously not on the road so how do they even know when to speed up or slow down, much less slam on the brakes.

THE COMPENSATOR

  • They drive huge lifted trucks that never go off-road. They drive Caprices with 26″ rims. What are you trying to make up for? A lack of substance? They wear a lime green shirt, pink tie, and boat shoes to church… WHAT?!?

THE RICH KID

  • Thank mommy and daddy for this kind of driver. They are spoiled to no end and now they seem to not know any better than to think they own the road and everyone else is merely using it. They often use their money to try and “play up” the field. They often times don’t know where they are going and don’t have the slightest clue how to get there. Is that what that GPS thing does in their car? Do they really have to get a job?

THE NEWB

  • They drive slow because they don’t know the area and always seem to tap their brakes at even the very thought that they are off course. Everything is foreign, and even if they have GPS are always looking around like they are lost.

THE VIP

  • Also known as the “HOV”, these types fly right by while everyone else hits the brakes (A reverse Top Gun reference, did you catch it?). Most of the time they reach their destination with relative ease, but on occasion they are thrust in with the commoners when no HOV lane is available or is blocked.

The land of Milk & Honey is littered with drivers just like those mentioned above, but sooner or later most make it, even The Compensator. Just in case you crash and burn, get lost, or breakdown along the way, get back on the path to your destination and don’t forget to pick up a passenger along the way.

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Merry Christmas From TheSinglesWard

mistletoe-kiss-boy

Ladies, time to get out there with that last bit of holiday cheer and get yourself a kiss under the mistletoe.

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Thresholds, Barriers, And The Law Of Returns

Thresholds

You see, in the dating world as well as life, we all set thresholds for things. In the pursuit of a companion, we set thresholds as to what we are looking for in a companion in a number of different categories. Take looks for example. If you set this threshold of a 7 (we’ll use a number scale purely for demonstration purposes), an 8 or a 9 likely won’t make you any more satisfied. On the other hand, if you threshold is a 7 and the person is a 6 or a 5, you will likely be left wanting more. We can also call it the point at which you won’t settle for less because you will always be left wanting.

The same thing applies to spirituality and many other qualities. If you set your threshold too high in certain areas but very low in others, you are likely not to achieve balance. If you threshold is a 9 or 10 in the looks department, but a 4 or 5 in testimony and spirituality, you’re likely to end up with a jerk or someone extremely shallow. If these are truly your thresholds and you are happy, by all means proceed with that person.

Keep in mind that a threshold is the point at which you are satisfied. It is not a goal or a wishlist. If your wishlist is a guy that is 6’1 180 lbs, chiseled abs, with the testimony of a GA, your threshold may just be someone who is in reasonable shape, taller than you, and has a testimony with a desire to learn and grow in the gospel.

Now think about your thresholds, or the minimum to satisfy. I often hear stories of girls stating that they had turned the guy down numerous times for various reasons only to marry them at some future point in time. This is because they had initially failed to recognize their threshold and were too focused on their wishlist.

Do you know where all of your thresholds are? I would say likely not. I certainly don’t know where all of mine are.

Barriers

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about thresholds, we can talk about barriers. Barriers are things or obstacles that prevent us from either recognizing or meeting a threshold.

One of those barriers is an unwillingness to reasonably recognize your thresholds. A lot of times I call this justification. This is where you justify someone that by far exceeds one threshold but severely lacks in another. For example, a guy with chiseled abs and a bright smile that has no desire to get married in the temple or to gain a testimony. I also call these instances projects. You all know what I mean when I call them projects. Someone you think you can change and you hold onto hoping that you will be the reason for their change.

Another barrier is your own self. If you are not happy with yourself, how is someone else going to be happy with you. It means that you need to be happy with yourself before you can complement someone else. This is why you should stress self improvement and recognize that the thresholds you set you need to be meeting yourself. As the last post said, just do it! If you recognize an opportunity for improvement, take it and do it.

Another barrier is spark. Yes, you heard me right, a spark. A spark is a moment in which two people recognize that they are attracted to the other and make reasonable accommodation to pursue that attraction. There are many things that can cause a spark, many of which are the prevalence of a trait which exceeds a threshold and one individuals willingness to act.

To follow up on the barrier of spark is the barrier of a willingness to act. While the initial spark may reside in one party until it is either transferred to the other or another spark occurs, nothing will happen without a willingness to act. This is where timing occurs. People often talk about timing in peoples lives and that a couple met at the perfect timing in each others lives. This exists and it is real.

The Law Of Returns

Originally this post was going to be focused on the latest season of The Mormon Bachelorette. You see, I know the most recent Mormon Bachelorette, Ashley Chapman, personally, and at first it bothered me that she didn’t choose a 3rd date out of 22 guys. Have I talked to her about this? Of course not, we don’t have that kind of relationship. My point is that this post was supposed to focus on a persons lack of action to proceed when presented with an overwhelming number of viable options. Kind of like that 90/10 rule people talk about at BYU, where the odds seem like they are overwhelmingly stacked in one’s favor yet it always seems the person is either not choosing wisely or not choosing the pursue eternal companionship and taking up more temporal matters.

The realization is that finding an eternal companion is one of the most selfish things you will ever do and there is nothing wrong with that. We’ll dive more into this later but I just way to say way to go Ashley! Whether or not any, many, or all the guys you went out with on the show met your thresholds, you recognized that the timing was not right or a spark was not there and had the willingness to act upon that. I’ll admit that I didn’t watch most of the show, but that I did watch the 2nd dates, and it was evident that the pressure to choose was intense.

In conclusion, try to recognize your thresholds and realize that it is upon your willingness to act that you will find those you will date and eventually marry.

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Just Do It!

Nobody is going to do it for you, Just Do It!

How often do you find yourself getting in your own way when it comes to dating? Guys; Do you complain that there are no girls you want to ask out? Girls; Do you complain that no guys ask you out? It’s time for everyone to get out of their own way and Just Do It!

Food For Thought:

  • Think of the type of person you are attracted to. Are you that type of person?
  • Do you create opportunities to date those you are attracted to?
  • What are you doing right now that is preventing you from finding/pursuing an eternal companion?
Now that we have a little food for thought, let me offer some suggestions.
Guys:
  • If you are attracted to girls that are fit, thin, and done up, is it reasonable for them to be attracted to anything less. Hit the gym. Don’t know how? Grab a friend, hire a personal trainer, just do it! Get a haircut, ask a friend that’s a girl some styling tips and let her take you shopping.
  • If you are attracted to girls that are active in the gospel and the ward, is it reasonable for them to be attracted to less? Get involved in the ward, read your scriptures and pray every day if you aren’t already, go to ward activities.
  • If you are attracted to girls that are very social…. eh you get my point. Be more social.
Girls, you’re not excused from this either:
  • If you are attracted to guys that are athletic and outdoorsy, maybe it’s time to go for a run. Find a girlfriend and make it happen.
  • If you are attracted to guys with silk ties, cuff links, and perfectly manicured hair, maybe it’s time for a makeover. Get a friend to help you pick out some new outfits, do your makeup different, or change up your hairstyle.
  • If you are attracted to guys that are big flirts, it’s probably a good idea to be a flirt yourself. Practice, practice, practice.
The point is that nobody is going to do this for you. You can’t sit idle and expect some girl/guy to show up on your doorstep and ask you to marry them?
If you don’t ask for a girls number, if you don’t ask them on dates, if you don’t move in for the kiss, you will not get married. It’s that simple. If you don’t put yourself out there and take a risk, you will remain single.
If you aren’t experiencing moments outside your comfort zone, if you aren’t feeling a slight bit of rejection every now and then, if you aren’t having awkward kissing/dating moments, you are DOING IT WRONG!
The point is, you are only going to marry one of them (at least, at a time). What that means is that you may strike out 99 times, but it helps you know what to look for and improve so that the 100th time you can knock it out of the park. Remember, practice makes perfect.
Did this post make you a little bit uncomfortable? Is there anything you need to do to give yourself a better chance of attracting a mate? Do you think it’s shallow that you might need to step your game up?
If you want our honest opinion, send us a message (email/text/whatever) with what’s going on and we’d be glad to help you out. We promise to keep it confidential.
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