You Say You Want To Get Married?

You say you want to get married, but I’m not convinced. You say you want to get married, but you keep dating the exact same kind of guy. You say you want to get married, but do you really?

If you have a “type” you need to shred it, now! If it hasn’t worked with that particular “type” before, what makes you think falling for the same type will produce a different result?

Why do I think you don’t want to get married?

  • You’re “Miss Independent” – Guys don’t want a girl that is helpless, but they also don’t want to feel helpless themselves. The word is interdependent. Guys want to feel important, and part of feeling important is providing.

I have a wonderful friend named Brooke. She’s cute, successful, and very social. Of the many great conversations we’ve had over the past year, one stand out amongst the rest. She asked me, “Ryan, why can’t I find a husband?” How am I supposed to respond to that? You see, I think Brooke is amazing, but she’s one of those girls that’s determined to do things on her own. She graduated college in architectural design, has a great job, and just bought her own house a few years ago. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that she probably doesn’t need a man. She gets asked out a lot, has had a few boyfriends over the last few years, but nothing mentioning engagement or marriage. We talked about interdependence and she said she’s working on it.

  • You’ve Got “Commitment” Issues – Girls, as much as guys, often have a fear of commitment. If you can’t commit to something and stick with it through thick and thin, do you really think marriage is a good option?

Listen; we’re all nervous about an eternal commitment, but until it comes to actually making that commitment, don’t worry about it so much. Take it one step at a time. Don’t start running from the altar on the second date.

  • You “Overthink” Things – Well he said this, but did he really mean that? He took me here on a second date, does this mean that he… ? A guy can’t possibly win when you try to read into and overthink everything.

The truth is that a lot of things guys do, they do without really putting as much thought into it as you think they do. And when they do and it’s not boldly obvious what they’re thinking, it’s probably not as big as you think it is. Guys are physical, girls are emotional. Anytime you base your thinking on two different things, how can you expect that overthinking things is going to help you get married?

  • You Don’t Play The Game – You have to be in the game to win the game. How are you supposed to find a husband if you don’t put forth the effort?

Think of the game a lot like fishing. You have to have a sturdy pole and a nice reel. But the most important part of the whole deal is the bait. You can use a bright and shiny lure, cast it out, and reel in hoping a fish jumps on the line. Repeat and reuse. You can use a jig, holding it in one spot and flashing it up and down until a fish grabs it. You can troll, using a flasher with bait and a hook in tow while driving the boat across zones with heavy fish populations. You can also just put bait on the line, cast it out there, and wait. The point is: You have to have your line in the water with a hook on it if you hope to catch a fish.

  • You Don’t Work Towards It – You’ve given up, hang out excessively, or just don’t date with the intent of developing serious relationships.

Marriage is work and anyone telling you different is lying. If you’re not working towards marriage, what makes anyone think you’re going to work once you’re married.

  • You Continue To Date The Same Type – If it’s not working, why keep going back to it? Are you too comfortable dating one type or are you too comfortable not dating at all?

How can you expect to keep doing the same thing, yet expect a different result? Try something different. A good friend of mine, Melanie, did this exact thing. She always went for the pretty boys with girls literally draping off their shoulders. She would flirt up a storm, work hard but only get 1 or 2 dates, maybe a NCMO, practically ignore other guys attempts, and wonder why she couldn’t hook a man. Then, at the suggestion of her home teacher, she started saying yes to date opportunities outside of the guys she always seemed to go after. She dated several guys over the next year before getting engaged and marrying the man of her dreams.

Listen up: Dating is a game. A lot of people say they don’t like to play games, yet their unwillingness to play the game is a game in and of itself. Fishing or chess, apples to apples or phase 10, settlers or pit; you can’t win unless you play, develop a strategy, put on the right bait, and stop running for the hills when you’ve actually got one on the line.

You say you want to get married, but do you really?

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13 Responses to You Say You Want To Get Married?

  1. Fei says:

    Love. This. Post.

    Thanks for writing it!

  2. Jeremy says:

    I think there is one more.

    You live in a fantasy world.

    You are waiting for the perfect fairy tale feeling and you won’t date anyone who doesn’t give you that. You’ve fallen in love before and that is what you are waiting for. You think it just magically happens without work and some dating. You conclude that it just isn’t the right time yet. You do nothing but claim to everyone you can’t wait to be married and have children.

    Wake up and live in reality. Relationships are work. Once you stop thinking that it is something that happens to you and start realizing it is start thinking it is something that you work toward, you can then start dealing with the things that are preventing you. Be open to dating for fun. Allow others in at least far enough to give them a fair fighting chance.

  3. I’d say I fall under some of these categories. The question is, how to fix it.

    Guys have issues with most of the things listed here too. And a lot of them are just scared of a girl who’s served a mission, or has advanced degrees, or a great job, etc…. In those cases, there’s not much the girl can do to convince a guy she’s not overly independent. Some guys are just easily intimidated.

    As far as the rest of the list is concerned, I’d say it can apply to both men and women.

    I would have enjoyed this post more if it didn’t ring so true to me – haha. But really, I liked this post, though you lost me with the fishing analogy. 😉

  4. AE Jones says:

    Yes, like Elizabeth, I fall under some of these things too. The one thought I’d like to comment on is about being independent. I want more than anything to get married and have kids. Just last week, I was offered a job that would completely launch my career – did I take it? No. Why? Because I want to get married. I don’t want to give up all my time that would normally be dedicated to social life, to work. My number one priority in this life is to be a wife and a mother. But, I’m not sitting at home blogging all day while I wait to meet guys and wait for them to ask me out. I try and get myself out there – I went on two dates this week. I was pretty proud of myself! But, I’m doing something with my life while I wait to find the guy I’m going to marry. I think this is a great post – very thought provoking. Well done.

  5. lachele says:

    I didn’t know an engineer degree included taking relationship classes.

    • An engineer by definition forms the link between scientific discoveries and the applications that meet the needs of society. They study how things work and use their ingenuity to apply them and make them better.

      😉

  6. Brynn Embley says:

    Love it. I feel like you just expounded, compounded, and delineated every issue with which we may be frustrated in the relationship game. Thanks Ryan!

  7. Brittany says:

    Ryan,
    You’re awesome. Thanks for putting so much thought into this! You made me think outside the box and I’ve got some things to work on! As much as I want to get marrie.. it does scare me.

  8. A little strategy goes a long way for every aspect of life, just like in chess, you want to be thinking a few moves ahead.

    I greatly agree with the “Don’t Over-think Things.” This can’t be stressed enough. I have a few friends of the opposite-sex, it was always so entertaining to hear them say what they think he’s thinking based on his actions. If they were right about it, we must be geniuses. They give us guys way too much credit.

  9. Jeremy says:

    Elizabeth and AE,
    It is ok to be a RM, have a great job, have advanced degrees. What isn’t ok is being controlling and that is what guys are trying to avoid. About a year ago I met the first girl who was going to law girl but didn’t act controlling or have other qualities that were unattractive. Because she was going to law school and an RM she was way more attractive to me. But she had been convinced that it was unattractive by her brother. So she avoided telling me. There is another girl that is also an RM and wants to be a mid-wife. She is so passionate about it. I know for a moment she would give that up or at least put it on hold if she met the right guy. Those are some of the most attractive things about her. She isn’t willing to put her dreams on hold in order to sit and wait for that right guy.

    Listen to your inner dialogue and be aware of things you tell yourself that are wrong. Take responsibility for yourself and don’t blame it on career or other things that are insignificant. Often your insecurities about dating are making you believe that you are unworthy and this makes you express to guys through your actions and words that you are unworthy and so the guy thinks so too. You are worthy and your career, mission, etc make you even more worthy and not the opposite. When listening to your inner dialogue avoid saying “I am an independent woman” or “I am a strong woman”. Say instead “I am an independent person” or “I am a strong person”. Can you see the difference in connotation. One says “I am weak and I don’t trust men or rely on them for anything and I don’t want to show weakness because weak women are taken advantage of by men.” The other says “I am strong and independent. ”

    Lastly stay away from men who make you feel less than worthy or look down on you for any reason. You are worthy.

  10. Ru says:

    You know, I hate to disagree, but I just don’t think this is true.

    Is it possible that guys are intimidated by the fact that I have a good job? Sure. But I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone who finds financial independence a positive. 🙂 I know that’s not what you meant, but I find these, “Men want to be needed!” excuses a little silly. Everyone needs love and companionship. If a gal is independent, that doesn’t change. You don’t see girls running away from guys who know how to cook just because their traditional gender role has already been filled.

    The fact is, I might have a thing for bad boys, I might be unwilling to “play the game,” I might have commitment issues, or I might have a dozen or so other problems. But guess what? There is another girl out there somewhere with the EXACT SAME problems as me, and yet somehow she got married when she was twenty. I think that we need to stop seeing ourselves as somehow “defective” and just acknowledge that getting married is 50% effort and 50% sheer luck. You can be a great guy or girl who is friendly, fun, always puts him or herself out there, takes relationships seriously, etc. etc. etc. and still not be married. So why the need for all the self-examination and self-doubt?

    Fact: There are truly heinous people getting married all the time. Therefore, just because an awesome person is not married does not necessarily mean that he or she is doing something wrong. Sorry for the rant, it’s just that I’m a little sick of the idea that single people are single because, deep down whether we know it or not, we’ve done something wrong or secretly don’t really want a relationship.

    • You’re overthinking things.

      Every one of the things listed in the post above is not a “disease” or a “defect”, they are mental obstacles put upon an individual’s ability and desire for change.

      “Men want to be needed” – There’s nothing wrong with a woman that can chop her own firewood. Men are physical, and they associate a lot of what they provide in a relationship as physical. As such, things as small as opening a jar of pickles for his girl feel important to him. This is not a flaw or a defect, it’s Psychology 101.

  11. Madi says:

    Honest to goodness, I was that girl who said no to dates. I prayed and prayed and I had NO darn idea why I wasn’t able to hook a guy, and then it clicked. Since then I have said yes to every date that’s come my way. With the exception of those few with criminal records, interesting hygiene habits, or the jerks… That was 3 months ago, and since then I have had THE BEST dating exerpiences. You get to know what you absolutely need to have in a guy, and what has been just a fantasy all along, the stuff you can really do without.
    I’m glad you pointed that out, because it’s absolutely true.

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