A Lesson In Traffic

Have you ever noticed how traffic relates to dating? There are all these people on the road, every one of them headed for a destination somewhere in their future. Everyone drives different vehicles at different speeds and take different paths to get where they are going. Often times paths intersect and can even create jams if too many people are using the same road at the same time. Some drivers take detours to avoid traffic, others adjust their commute to miss traffic, and most just deal with it.

To put this all into perspective and paint an accurate picture of how traffic can possibly be like dating, let’s identify some of the common profiles of those on the road:


  • They drive insanely fast, we’re talking 20 mph over the speed limit and weaving in and out of lanes (even trying to use the carpool lane). They’re aggressive, focused, and determined. Think of the guys that always pounce on and smother the new girl in ward. Sometimes they get lucky and find an open lane to the promised land, but often times they get bogged down and start honking their horn. Beep, beep…


  • They drive insanely slow no matter what lane they are in (usually the far left). These people can’t seem to get out of their own way much less the way of anyone else. Sometimes you wonder why they’re even on the road. Is their car broken? Is their foot broken? Perhaps they don’t exactly know their destination and are in no hurry to get anywhere? Please don’t rain… or much worse, snow… or they will drive approximately 15 mph and slam on their brakes all the time.


  • They typically drive slightly above the speed limit but don’t get too carried away. They know the destination and are on the right path, but at the same time they aren’t overly aggressive and smothering. Their life is on cruise control, but who knows how far the commute will be.


  • These people weave back and forth in their own lane because they can’t seem to text or put makeup on while they drive. They may not even realize they are in a 2 ton can of metal traveling 70mph with lots of other 2 ton cans of metal around them. Their mind is obviously not on the road so how do they even know when to speed up or slow down, much less slam on the brakes.


  • They drive huge lifted trucks that never go off-road. They drive Caprices with 26″ rims. What are you trying to make up for? A lack of substance? They wear a lime green shirt, pink tie, and boat shoes to church… WHAT?!?


  • Thank mommy and daddy for this kind of driver. They are spoiled to no end and now they seem to not know any better than to think they own the road and everyone else is merely using it. They often use their money to try and “play up” the field. They often times don’t know where they are going and don’t have the slightest clue how to get there. Is that what that GPS thing does in their car? Do they really have to get a job?


  • They drive slow because they don’t know the area and always seem to tap their brakes at even the very thought that they are off course. Everything is foreign, and even if they have GPS are always looking around like they are lost.


  • Also known as the “HOV”, these types fly right by while everyone else hits the brakes (A reverse Top Gun reference, did you catch it?). Most of the time they reach their destination with relative ease, but on occasion they are thrust in with the commoners when no HOV lane is available or is blocked.

The land of Milk & Honey is littered with drivers just like those mentioned above, but sooner or later most make it, even The Compensator. Just in case you crash and burn, get lost, or breakdown along the way, get back on the path to your destination and don’t forget to pick up a passenger along the way.

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