Occasionally we receive emails from readers asking for specific topics to be covered. Curious about what spawned this particular request, and with her permission to post, Stacy wrote the following:
Lately I’ve had some weird experiences with “determining the relationship” or “DTR” as it’s often called. DTR-ing is a normal part of dating. After a few dates, you wanna know where things are going so you talk about it and figure out if you both want the same thing. This is normal and to be expected. But my recent DTR’s have been anything but normal.
There’s a guy in my ward who’s kinda cute. I’ll call him Mike. He travels for work a lot, so I only see him once every two months or so. He’s a Flirt (yes, with a capital F). He’s cute and he knows it (kinda like the song but different). He’s also a pretty nice guy. So I invited him to hang out with my friends one night to watch a movie. To say he was “handsy” during the movie would be an understatement. It caught me off guard considering our only interaction up to that point had been occasional chit chat at church.
After that night, because of his work travel, I didn’t see him for a couple months. In that time, we texted from time to time, but not consistently. Our texts were a little flirty in nature, but the innocent and awkward flirting of two people who don’t know each other very well. Then suddenly, in the midst of a seemingly normal textversation, I got a strange text that caught me off guard. It read:
“What are your intentions with me?”
My stomach did a flip flop. He was DTR-ing with me! And not only was he doing it through text (lame), he was doing it without us ever having even been on a date! I didn’t know how to respond, so I just said something like, “I barely see you so I don’t know what my intentions are at this point.” To which he responded, “ok. Goodnight.”
Now I’m scared that every text I send is sending “a message.” And it’s too early to even know what that message is! I guess I could have just said, “You’re cute. Let’s go from there” or something like that, but I panicked.
There’s this guy in my life who I will call Sterling. We have had a flirtatious relationship for years, but for reasons I don’t want to get into here, I have no interest in pursuing an actual relationship with him at this point and the feeling is mutual. We’ve started down that path before and decided it wouldn’t work for us. But because we have so much fun together and and enjoy each others company so much, we have become good friends. This close friendship has led to a few mini-DTRs along the way just to make sure we’re on the same page.
2012 has been completely drama free for us though, and we’ve settled into a comfortable drama-free friendship.Which is why it could me off guard when he recently decided to have a DTR with me out the blue. Apparently he’d been getting outside pressure from friends and family to make something happen with me. I wasn’t a part of these conversations and knew nothing about them. But instead of telling his friends and family why it wouldn’t work with us right now, he decided to tell me. Their plan backfired and instead of deciding to try to start something with me again, he instead decided to end something. Something that hadn’t even begun.
I can not emphasize enough how unnecessary this was. And when you’re not even dating a person or thinking of them that way at all, and they start trying to “let you down easy,” it’s kind of annoying. All I could do was agree with every statement he made. “You’re awesome, I just don’t have ‘those’ feelings.” “Yeah, me neither.” “There’s nothing wrong with you but should we try to force love?” “No. That’s not necessary at all. I couldn’t agree more.” The whole time staring straight ahead wondering why this was happening and if I really was getting dumped by a guy I wasn’t dating.
I have had many other DTRs in my lifetime but these two recent ones have both amused me and irked me. Have you ever had a mis-timed DTR?